Protector, an app that lets you book armed goons the same way you’d call for an Uber, is having a viral moment.
Protector lets the user book armed guards on demand. Right now it’s only available in NYC and LA. According to its marketing, every guard is either “active duty or retired law enforcement and military.” Every booking comes with a motorcade and users get to select the number of Escalades that’ll be joining them as well as the uniforms their hired goons will wear.
Protector is currently “#7 in Travel” on Apple’s App Store. It’s not available for people who use Android devices. Sorry Google phone fans, if you want your own armed goons you’ll have to resort to more traditional methods of goon employment.
The marketing for Protector, which lives on its X account, is surreal. A series of robust and barrel-chested men in ill-fitting black suits deliver their credentials to the camera while sitting in front of a black background. They’re all operators. They describe careers in SWAT teams and being deployed to war zones. They show vanity shots of themselves kitted out in operator gear. All of them have a red lapel pin bearing the symbol of Protector.
Who is this for, you might ask? A video posted on January 6, 2025, that runs just over two minutes gives the game away. It opens with a photo of assassinated UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. “We’re going to run through a scenario to demonstrate, where if a Protector had been present, crisis could have been averted,” the Protector says in the video. He then runs through several fantasy versions of the assassination where a Protector is on hand to prevent the assassin from killing the CEO.
There’s no way this could backfire
Seems like an easy way to get close to a target.
“Yes hello I am your security detail, don’t worry I brought exactly enough bullets.”
Gig economy security guards. What the utter fuck. Doesn’t sound at all like brownshirts in the making.
Gig economy does not inspire loyalty lmao
Imagine how funny it will be when someone red teams the endpoints and get all their client’s active locations in a JSON
Ha ha ha, another quality zinger from The Onion!
…wait, this shit’s real???
The modern aristocracy must be hunted in their native habitats. They are commonly found in walled communities, exclusive islands (i.e. Martha’s Vineyard), exclusive neighborhoods (i.e. Santa Monica, Beverly Hills), luxury stores (i.e. Hermes) and trendy nightclubs. Set up your hunting blind in or just outside of their habitat. Make sure to camouflage it well using native materials like designer labels, advertisements and invitations to political contribution dinners. Use a call to attract them. One that works well is “Annual bonus! Annual bonus!”, “Union forming! Union forming!” or waving a golden parachute. Bait traps also work well such as a pile of designer handbags and the keys to a Bentley.
Venture brothers ass nonsense. 1-888-HENCH.
Lmao they mimic the camera footage of the CEO murder for their promotional image.
Brian would be proud to know he’s still bringing market value to someone.
How to start a security business.
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Get someone killed
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Create a business that addresses #1
How’s THAT for conspiracy thinking!? :D
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Going for a shadow run to the grocery store. Don’t forget to pick up a decker to bypass the ice.
First of all, I hate this.
But also, this is cyberpunk as fuck.
Are you worried people with guns might try to take your money? Why take chances? You should hire these people with guns who will for sure take your money.
Sounds like admitting guilt. Those who hire the goons know they are shitty people. Living with self hate must be a bitch.
I think I saw this season of Westworld.
Isn’t this the world plot of John Wick?
What a dystopian nightmare we live in right now. Remember when politicians told us we have choices in our healthcare? I guess it says something that insurance CEOs are so hated that they need armed body guards and we’re so happy about “all our choices”.
